Can I let you in on something?
One of the biggest myths I believed when I was dating was that if I just said the right thing, waited the right amount of time to reply, looked a certain way or acted a certain way, then someone would choose me.
I thought dating was about getting it right: about being impressive enough.
About somehow convincing someone that I was worth committing to.
Turns out, that is a very exhausting way to date.
Now, before you think, "I don't play games," hear me out. Because game playing isn't always obvious. Sometimes it looks like performing on dates because you're trying to seem mysterious, easy going or "not like other women."
Sometimes it looks like people pleasing. Going above and beyond before someone has earned that level of effort because you're hoping they'll like you more or commit more quickly.
Sometimes it's waiting exactly three hours to reply to a text, pretending you haven't seen their message when you're both online, posting an Instagram story hoping they'll watch it, changing your dating app photos for their benefit or analysing whether they viewed your story before deciding whether to message them.
Sound familiar?
I know it does because I have done every single one. The thing is, all of these behaviours have one thing in common. They're attempts to control the outcome.
When we desperately want something to work, we often try to manage how someone sees us instead of simply showing them who we are.
We start dating strategically instead of authentically.
The irony is that the more we try to control someone else's feelings, the further away we move from the very thing we're looking for, which is a relationship where we feel safe, relaxed and accepted for who we really are.
When I work with clients, we don't spend our time coming up with clever texting tactics or analysing whether they should wait another hour before replying.
Instead, we focus on becoming the kind of person who no longer feels they have to play games in the first place.
That means getting crystal clear on what you actually want and feeling confident enough to communicate it.
It means healing the patterns that keep pulling you towards emotionally unavailable people so you're no longer confusing anxiety with chemistry.
It means challenging all the stories you've been telling yourself about your age, your chances of meeting someone or that "all the good ones are taken," because those beliefs shape how you show up.
It means building your confidence so you genuinely know you're worth waiting for, rather than trying to persuade someone to choose you.
It means learning what a healthy relationship actually feels like, because for many of us, calm can feel unfamiliar at first.
It means trusting yourself, trusting the process and trusting that you don't have to rush something that is right for you.
And practically, it means finding ways to take the pressure off dating. One of my favourite ways to do this is encouraging clients to date slowly and openly in the early stages, so they aren't putting all of their hopes onto one person they've met twice. When you're getting to know a couple of people at the same time, you're much more likely to stay grounded and make decisions from clarity rather than panic.
Ultimately, this work isn't about becoming hard to get.
It's about becoming someone who no longer feels the need to chase. It's about having a life that feels full, friendships that light you up, work you're proud of and a relationship with yourself that doesn't crumble every time someone takes six hours to reply.
Because when you're genuinely happy with who you are and where your life is going, you stop trying to convince someone to choose you.
Instead, you're looking for someone who is just as excited to choose you as you are them.
So, here's something to think about this week.
Where in your dating life are you trying to control the outcome? And what would it look like if, instead of trying to make someone choose you, you simply showed up as yourself and let them?
Anyway love, I hope that’s some food for thought and can start to answer your questions!
