How to stop self-sabotaging when it comes to love & dating

Something that’s come up with clients lately — and yes, even on MAFS (guilty pleasure) — is the idea of self-sabotage in dating and relationships.

Most people would say, “I don’t sabotage relationships.” But for many of us (my past self included), there are subtle patterns we repeat that quietly get in the way of a date, situationship, or relationship. These patterns are often subconscious and can be easy to miss.

Most of us step into dating with battle scars. Our defences are sky-high, or our confidence is at rock bottom. We might not fully believe love will happen for us,  or that we’re worthy of it (you bloody are).

Maybe it’s the long string of disappointments, the ghosting, the almosts that never got off the ground. Over time, your nervous system learns to protect you. 

You start scanning for danger, holding back, or assuming the worst. But self-protection can slowly turn into self-sabotage. And before you even realise it, those same defences start getting in your way.

Here are some examples: 

👉 You’re hyper-vigilant for red flags — constantly scanning for what might go wrong. Even something small, like the way they worded a message or used a smiley face, can feel like a warning sign.

👉 You chase people who don’t give much back — not because you don’t see it, but because inconsistency feels familiar, even if it’s not fulfilling.

👉 You tell yourself “I’m just busy” to avoid the discomfort of being vulnerable 

👉 You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the person to leave, cheat, or loose interest, as if being prepared for the worst will somehow protect you from it.

👉 You start arguments or nitpick what they’ve said, trying to find control when things feel uncertain.

👉 You compare your connection to other relationships or your ex, instead of being present with the person in front of you.

👉 You always get the ick when the ‘nice’ guy shows an interest in you and start pining after what you can't have 

Don’t get me wrong, these behaviours can all be very normal when, especially when they happen in isolation. However, when a pattern keeps repeating and leading to the same outcome, it’s a sign to look at what’s driving it and most importantly, what you can do about it! 

So today, do a little inventory of what your patterns are when it's come to dating and relationships, why things have ended and what your triggers and behavioural patterns tend to be.  Start to dig and see what comes out! 

I have spaces for three new clients this Autumn and I'm offering 20% off for those spaces. You can book a free call HERE to chat through what's going on and seeing if we would be a good fit to work together. So holla if you're interested.