Not feeling the spark?

Not sure if this will resonate with you, but here's something so many of my clients and community deal with! 

They've done the work and are thrilled to announce they no longer fancy unavailable guys and are attracted to hot-and-cold energy and chaos (or at least don't go there). 

HOWEVER, they can’t quite feel the spark with the nice, consistent ones who do like them?

Welcome to the grey area. It’s confusing. And often frustrating. And feels like things are getting stuck again. 

So firstly I want to mention that you are not meant to fancy every available, emotionally healthy person who crosses your path. If that were the case, dating would be easy (and we all know it isn’t).

So let’s take the pressure off and talk about how to move through this stage intentionally.

The spark isn’t the goal

 The spark is not a reliable indicator of romantic success. Attraction can be driven by attachment patterns, anxiety, familiarity, brain chemistry, or old dynamics. In fact, around 90% of people say their relationship was not love at first sight. Most great relationships are built — not instantly felt.

Expect it to feel different

 If you’re used to emotional rollercoasters, healthy dating will feel unfamiliar at first. It might feel calmer. Slower. Less intense. 

Consistency often gets mislabelled as “boring” when really, it’s just not triggering your nervous system. Give yourself time to recalibrate.

 Attraction can be retrained

 Yes, attraction matters. You don’t force it. But sometimes you need to retrain your brain to notice healthy attraction. On dates, stop scanning for what’s wrong or comparing them to your ex. Instead, look for what’s attractive:

👉 How they listen

👉How you feel around them

👉 How they show up and communicate

After each date, write down 10 things you liked — whether or not you see them again. This simple practice changes everything.

 Give it time (and mix it up)

 Attraction often grows with safety and familiarity. Try a three-date rule unless there’s a strong reason not to. Change the environment too  (coffee, dinner, something playful or active.) People relax over time and show different sides of themselves, allowing attraction to grow… or giving you clarity if it doesn’t.

Both are wins.

 Finally, check your mindset

If you go into dates expecting to be bored or disappointed, chances are you will be. Your mindset shapes your experience far more than you realise. Curiosity beats judgement every time.

 A final reminder

This grey area is actually a sign of growth. You’re outgrowing chaos, but you’re still learning how to choose calm, secure love and let it feel exciting too.

 If you’ve genuinely shown up with an open mindset, given someone a fair chance, and done the work, then you get to bow out with confidence.

It means you’ve gathered information. You haven’t wasted time. You’ve learned more about yourself, your attraction patterns, and what you need to build a relationship that lasts.

 This is exactly the work we do with 1:1 clients: unpacking attraction patterns, rewiring what feels familiar, and learning how to build relationships that feel safe and fulfilling over time.

If this stage is frustrating you, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

👉 I offer a free 30 minute call to chat through if it's a good fit for you. You can book your free call HERE, and if there aren't times that suit, I'll create one for you. Just reply to this email! 

Trust the nudge.

You didn't end up here by accident.